(new & improved post) 
While we were at a playdate at a park, my son, Mr. E was playing with a stick on the playground equipment. I immediately became concerned. Someone was going to get hurt. I just knew it! I was sitting very close by, so I got up, went over to the playground equipment, and called Mr. E to me. I told him that it really was not safe to play with a stick on playground equipment because someone could get hurt. I asked him to, please, put the stick down or, perhaps, play on the ground with the stick – away from the other kids. He explained to me the purpose his stick was serving and that he could not play his game without it. I stressed, again, that even though he was not using the stick as a weapon, someone could get hurt by the stick.
His response, “But, no one HAS gotten hurt!”
My immediate response (inside my head) was, “BUT, THAT’S NOT THE POINT!!”
One of his friends came over, then, with a different idea for a game and the stick issue was immediately over for Mr. E.
But, it was not over for me.
My gut reaction: “But, that’s not the point!” kept ringing through my head the whole rest of the day. I was right, wasn’t I? I mean – something bad really could have happened! But, really . . . was that the point? Was that the most important point about the situation? Caught up in the fear of what “might” happen, was I totally missing what was “actually” happening? As I continued to mull it over in my head over the next couple of days (as I always do), I began to realize that my son had just taught me a very valuable lesson. “But, no one HAS gotten hurt!” was the point. He was right. He was the one who was seeing the real world – who was living in the present moment, observing what was really going on.
A very wise woman from one of the unschooling lists of which I am a member introduced me to a term that swacked me in the face this day: Dreaded Possibilities. I was letting a fear of things that might happen, that could happen, but were not *actually* happening control my thoughts and actions. And, worse, I was trying to use those imaginary events as a reason to control my son’s actions as well. While I was wallowing and worrying away in the land of Dreaded Possibilities, he was flourishing and adventuring in reality.
This lesson is a staggeringly important one (to me, at least). How much do our children miss out on because of our fear of Dreaded Possibilities?
“Don’t climb that tree, honey. You could fall.”
Wait! Let me help you. You might hurt yourself.”
“Oh, no, Sweetheart, let me pour that for you. It could spill.”
As opposed to, “Wow, that’s a tall tree. Is it okay if I stand here close to you in case you decide you want my help?” or “Would you like my help with that?” (and, accepting “No.” as an answer) or just staying close while keeping our checklist of Dreaded Possibilities safely tucked inside our heads.
Trust. Trust my children. Trust myself. Trust that something good is more likely to happen than something bad.
Trust. And, leave the Dreaded Possibilities out of my reality.
Thank you, Mr. E, for another valuable lesson about life!!
When do we become these people with the list of dreaded possibilities rambling through our heads? It is difficult to change habits which we have lived throughout some of our adult lives. Thankfully our children are here to remind us! Thanks for sharing this Ronet. In some backwards way it is comforting to know others deal with the same issues.
Yes, it is comforting to know that we aren’t alone.
I don’t know when we start fearing Dreaded Possibilities. I suppose we learned it as we grew up — being told to “be careful, _______ could happen,” “watch out,” etc.
I find it fantastic and empowering to know that it doesn’t have to be that way for my children. With their help and wisdom, we can all grow up to be the people we want to be.
I love this story! It so resonates! Thanks for sharing your insight….I adjust exploring unschooling and found your blog somehow. Thanks for the reminder..I always think about the dreaded possibilities!
Thanks for your comment, Vina! I’m so glad that you found your way here & that you enjoyed the post.
I seems (for me, anyway) to be a lesson that keeps on giving — as I continue to face Dreaded Possiblities every day & work to shove them aside & let my children explore, adventure, and live without the constant fear of “what if” getting in their way.
And, I’m excited to hear that you are exploring unschooling. It has been a way of learning & living for us for several years now. There are many great online resources, but nothing beats meeting face-to-face with some unschooling families. If you can find a group near you, I highly recommend meeting up with them. Plus, I’d be more than happy to answer any questions you may have.
Peace!
RoniJoy